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Writing down my favorite revision strategies on this sheet really helped me figure out what works for me. One strategy that I found very beneficial was the peer review process. This allowed me to have someone else’s eyes on my paper and for them to give me some helpful feedback. Many of the comments I have received from this process were very helpful for me to improve my writing and my overall essay. They spotted mistakes that I failed to find and places that could be strengthened. Throughout peer review, we went through each persons essay and read some paragraphs out loud. It was helpful to hear someone else read my writing, because it allowed me to notice phrases that didn’t make sense, and words that I seemed to overuse. Another revision strategy that I found helpful was re-reading my own work and seeing if the organizational structure and content made sense. This was beneficial because it allowed me to see if the flow of my essay made sense, and if I should switch paragraphs around in order for it to follow a logical order. I plan to use these new skills that I have formed throughout ENG 110 in my future endeavors. I guarantee that I will continue to write more essays, even though I am not an English major. Next semester, I will be taking Psych and English Human Traditions, so hopefully these skills will be useful when writing essays for these classes.

As I continue to improve my essay, I want to plan on working on my organization and thesis. Through peer review, my peers brought my attention that my thesis was not that clear. It was hard to tell exactly what I would be arguing about in my essay.  To make my thesis more strong and clearer, one of my peers suggested that I link my last two sentences in a way to form a sentence that states exactly what my main argument is. I also want to work on my organization so that my essay flows in a logical order. I need to organize my multimodal elements in a way that is effective. I will succeed in doing so by making each paragraph separate and put the images, visual, or audio, arranged in a way that makes sense to the reader. I see my biggest challenge being trying to figure out how to make my thesis statement go with the main points that I make in my essay. Right now, I feel like my ideas are all over the place, and I can’t find a way to condense it into one main idea. For solve this challenge, I will use They Say I Say as a resource in order to help myself find a main idea, and use evidence to argue for it.

When writing this essay, I plan on using these modes of communication: linguistic, visual, audio and spatial. I would like to talk about how beauty is different to everyone, and how the media/society is influencing the opinions on our younger generations. Armstrong states that “beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”. I want to expand on this, and include pictures and audio of different styles of art that could be found as beautiful to different people. Using my experience of beauty, I want to include this song that I find beautiful on the piano: River Flows In You

I want to talk about my other experiences that I have had where I found something extremely beautiful,  such as something that I find shockingly stunning in nature. I plan to include pictures of some things I find beautiful, and then contrast that with things that society finds beautiful. Example 1

I would like to include this article that I found which discusses the distorted views that society has on beauty, and how it is affecting certain individuals, specifically teenagers. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-atkinson/media-beauty-distortion_b_3292467.html

This is a rough outline on some of the key points I want to talk about throughout my essay:

-Discuss different perceptions of beauty within society and myself. Start off somewhat broad, but then get into specific detail.

-Talk about John Armstrong’s essay and discuss Schiller’s ideas about human nature and how we perceive beauty.

• Bring up the sense drive and the form drive as evidence to why we see certain things as beautiful. I plan on using quotes from Armstrong’s essay.

-The media and how it is affecting societies opinion on beauty. Place a picture of what society views as beautiful. I will continue to place pictures that I feel are important throughout my essay. (spatial arrangement)

-Include 2 (possibly three if I feel like I could use another to strengthen my argument) of my peer’s Let’s Talk About Art presentations:

•  Taylors presentation which was about tattoos, and the meanings that they have to the person that gets them’
•  Alexis’s presentation which was about her sister and a song that is very special to her family.

-Include my own experiences with beauty by discussing music and piano. I might add some photos of piano and the song River Flows In You.

John Armstrong’s statement, “To regard beauty as a luxury adornment or a social signifier was to miss the true potential of the experience” describes that things that we find beautiful should be because it touches our hearts and souls, not for selfish, materialistic reasons. He also states, “many loathsome people own beautiful things, and the possession of these objects does not seem to make them more humane or especially gracious.” I believe society feels that beauty is tangible and luxurious. It is competitive and everyone is trying to one up the other with the beautiful things they have. These social standards are not something we should continue to follow. I believe that each individual in society should have their own opinion on what they find beautiful. They should judge it based on what gives them emotion and makes them stop in awe. I view beauty as something that takes my breath away in a shocking, yet inspirational way. However, I do not always view beauty beauty as something that always looks pleasing and pretty. Oftentimes, I find something truly beautiful if it evokes some sort of emotion to my soul. I agree with Armstrong as he says, “Rather, we should seek to realize in ourselves the fusion of the drives embodied by the sculpture.” When we view art and beauty, we find ways to connect it to ourselves and find meaning within it. I think that this allows for us to grow as individuals and to be down-to-earth.

I thought that Taylor Williams did a great job talking about tattoos representing art. It was very insightful, especially with her technique with using an essay with a few pictures. As I listened to her speak and looked at the pictures, I got a clear picture of the point she was trying to get across. She made a great argument about why tattoos are art, because they have meaning and beauty. I never viewed tattoos in this way until I saw this presentation, because now I realize that the person who gets a tattoo is getting it for a reason, and that is truly beautiful. Taylor also included her friend who has tattoos in her project to show why she has tattoo’s and what their meaning/importance to them are. I think this helped strengthen her project by giving a real example of a friend who enjoys tattoos.

I really enjoyed Alexis Deguzman’s presentation as well. She presented it in a way that was very powerful and I even found myself to feel emotional. Alexis’s story was beautiful to hear, and I enjoyed how she formatted everything. Alexis described her sister and how her family misses her every day. I thought it was very special that her family has a song for her. She included many pictures, and also used an essay format. I think that this mode of communication was very beneficial and worked very well with her project and topic. Overall, I believe Alexis did a phenomenal job portraying her feelings and emotions, and describing why the song made by Aerosmith is art.

For this exercise, I chose to use the color orange for transitions, yellow for pointing terms, green for key terms and blue for repetition. Some patterns that I saw was that I repeated the words, “art”, “science”, and “art and science” many times. I think that overusing these phrases weaken my essay, and that I should try to use different words instead or get rid of them altogether. I believe I relied on this device heavily, and that I could increase my transitions and key terms instead to strengthen my essay. I noticed that I did not have many transition phrases, and that if I included more than it would allow my essay to flow more smoothly. Adding more transition phrases will allow for these passages to be easier to read and follow.

Part 1:

Jonah Lehrer’s main argument is that science needs the arts in order to find answers to the many questions about life and the universe. He believes that if these two cultures are combined, then we can solve these mysteries. Lehrer feels as if the arts can give science a glimpse into its blind spots, since it offers a new way to look at things with a more creative imagination. There is a certain limit to how far the understanding of science can go. Implementing the arts in this aspect will allow a new perspective to be seen and will help further their understanding of science. He states in the text that neuroscience needs a new method of figuring itself out, and that art will be able to build complex representations in order to do so. Lehrer also draws in the power that metaphor and simile has in the scientific process. Overall, he feels as if looking at science in a different perspective will allow us to unlock the secrets.

Part 2: Glossing the text

Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle– the position and the velocity of an object cannot be measured exactly, at the same time.

Reductionism– the practice of analyzing and describing a complex phenomenon in terms of phenomena that are held to represent a simpler level.

Synapse– a junction between two nerve cells. It permits a neuron to pass an electrical signal to another neuron.

Epiphenomenon– a secondary phenomenon that occurs alongside to a parallel phenomenon.

Holistic perspective– interested in engaging and developing the whole person on different levels such as emotional, physical or spiritual.

Metaphor– a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action in a way that is not literally true.

Lepidopterist– a person who studies or collects butterflies and moths.

Cubism– an early 20th century movement which brought European painting and sculpture forward toward modern day art.

Ephemeral– lasting a very short time.

Ineffable– too great or extreme to be expressed in words.

Pedagogical– discipline that deals with the theory and practice of teaching.

Part 3:

Samuel Taylor Coleridge was an artist who wrote poetry about “the mind’s self-experience in the act of thinking”. This plays an important role in Lehrer’s essay because this artist was thinking about the science of the mind before it was even a proposed concept. This is very interesting that an artist would talk about the consciousness of the mind even before that kind of science was thought of. It supports Lehrer’s point that science needs the arts, because artists have ways of viewing things in a similar yet different way of scientists. Semir Zeki, a neuroscientist, is brought up in Lehrer’s essay as well. He talks about how artists are neurologists in some way because they study the brain with methods that are unique to them. Zeki brings up an interesting point, because it shows that artists do in fact demonstrate science skills by viewing the world in a different perspective.

The immediate context is mainly about the author and the text. The author is Yo-Yo Ma, who is a very talented cellist and songwriter. He has won over seventeen Grammy Awards and has produced more than ninety albums. Besides this great achievement, he has also received many awards. “Necessary Edges: Arts, Empathy, and Education” was published on the World Post , which is an online news and blog site.

The imposed context includes the circumstances around my personal reading experience, and my purpose for reading it. My main purpose for reading this was for English class. However, throughout my personal experience of actually reading the essay,  I came to learn and agree that empathy is “the ultimate quality that acknowledges our identity as members of one human family”.  The essay goes on to say that teaching of the arts should be added to education. I agree with Yo-Yo Ma in this aspect personally because I believe empathy and imagination are important to have.

The internal context, or rhetorical situation, is that Yo-Yo Ma believes implementing art in the education system is necessary. He wants to change STEM to STEAM. This will allow kids to have passion for school, and gain many skills such as collaboration, flexible thinking, and disciplined imagination. These skills are essential for today’s society, as well as the concepts of equilibrium and globalization. Overall, in the text he argues that art is able to change peoples lives.

Glossing three unfamiliar terms:

Bandwidth- a range of frequencies within a given band

Bolster- support or strengthen

Lemmings- a small rodent found in the Arctic or tundra biome

“Within the TED talk, he brings up many points about minorities and their place in our art history. He states, “By and large, the representation of black people and the history of Western painting is enslaved, in servitude or impoverished…They’re hidden. They are in the shadows. And so what we have are these representations of black people that don’t reflect their humanity.””

After reading They Say, I Say, I do not think that I introduced my quote very well. Instead of saying just “He states”, I am going to change introduce it better by saying, “Kaphar explains his argument further by stating…”. This will allow the sentence to flow more smoothly. I already use “he states” a couple times in my paper, so I think that it is a good idea to switch things up a bit by introducing the quote in a different way.

“He states, “For now, that will have to be my justification. I’m not ready to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to reduce the world’s suffering. Maybe that will change. For now, call me Net-Positive Man.” Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion.”

Even though the framing of this quotation was not terrible, I think it could be improved. After the quotation, I added “In other words, Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion.”

I am going to add a quote to my paper from Southan’s text which is: “Suppose you saw a child drowning in a pond: would you jump in and rescue her, even if you hadn’t pushed her in?…It would be highly controversial to say “no”-and yet most of us manage to ignore those dying of poverty…” This is a quote made by Peter Singer, and it was suggested that we write about this analogy in our essay. I think that it is a powerful quote and that it would strengthen my paper by allowing the readers to question their moral values.

Before:

“…Overall, the EAs are not supporters of the arts because they feel like they waste their time and resources. These resources that are put into artwork could be used to save lives and help reduce suffering. They believe that one should work very hard to earn money, and then give as much of that money away to those who need it. The EAs are picky about what a “good deed” is and makes you think  “…does your preferred good deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money? If not, how good a deed is it really?” Southan questions this idea if art is actually a waste of time throughout this piece, and, in the end, decides what he will do with his newly enlightened views.

In the last paragraph of this text, Southan makes his final decision about whether or not to continue art. He states, “For now, that will have to be my justification. I’m not ready to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to reduce the world’s suffering. Maybe that will change. For now, call me Net-Positive Man.” Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion. Even though art does not have a direct benefit to help others like donating money does, it gives emotional happiness to those who make art and those who find comfort in taking in art.”

After:

“…Overall, the EAs are not supporters of the arts because they feel like they waste their time and resources. These resources that are put into artwork could be used to save lives and help reduce suffering. They believe that one should work very hard to earn money, and then give as much of that money away to those who need it. The EAs are picky about what a “good deed” is and makes you think  “…does your preferred good deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money? If not, how good a deed is it really?” I do not agree with the EAs in this aspect. I think that any good deed, no matter how small, is good enough as long as you tried. Southan questions this idea if art is actually a waste of time throughout this piece, and, in the end, decides what he will do with his newly enlightened views. I will always be a supporter of the arts. I believe that it creates happiness and it allows those who view it to perceive it in any light that they want to. 

In the last paragraph of this text, Southan makes his final decision about whether or not to continue art. For instance, he states, “For now, that will have to be my justification. I’m not ready to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to reduce the world’s suffering. Maybe that will change. For now, call me Net-Positive Man.” Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion. Even though art does not have a direct benefit to help others like donating money does, I believe that it gives emotional happiness to those who have that talent or those who find comfort from it. I completely agree with Southan’s plan on sticking to what you love to do. Nonetheless, doing what you love in life makes everything worth-while and overall makes it more enjoyable. 

These two paragraphs I chose from my paper seemed a little unfocused. I never really brought up my own voice. It just seemed to get lost throughout the essay. In both paragraphs, I decided to included my opinion clearly. Including my own voice helped support and develop my main point. (Section W-4b in The Little Seagull Handbook). Instead of making general statements, I added my voice to it.

I also revised these two paragraphs by fixing words that I overused, such as art, in order to make it flow better. In the second paragraph, I used the word “art” three times in one sentence. I did not catch that until I read it a few times. I also included some transition words to help the flow of my paragraphs. For example, I added “for instance” and “nonetheless”.  (Section W-4c in The Little Seagull Handbook).

Overall, I think that these changes allowed my argument to be focused and clear, and helped the flow of the paragraphs.