Blog #7

Before:

“…Overall, the EAs are not supporters of the arts because they feel like they waste their time and resources. These resources that are put into artwork could be used to save lives and help reduce suffering. They believe that one should work very hard to earn money, and then give as much of that money away to those who need it. The EAs are picky about what a “good deed” is and makes you think  “…does your preferred good deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money? If not, how good a deed is it really?” Southan questions this idea if art is actually a waste of time throughout this piece, and, in the end, decides what he will do with his newly enlightened views.

In the last paragraph of this text, Southan makes his final decision about whether or not to continue art. He states, “For now, that will have to be my justification. I’m not ready to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to reduce the world’s suffering. Maybe that will change. For now, call me Net-Positive Man.” Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion. Even though art does not have a direct benefit to help others like donating money does, it gives emotional happiness to those who make art and those who find comfort in taking in art.”

After:

“…Overall, the EAs are not supporters of the arts because they feel like they waste their time and resources. These resources that are put into artwork could be used to save lives and help reduce suffering. They believe that one should work very hard to earn money, and then give as much of that money away to those who need it. The EAs are picky about what a “good deed” is and makes you think  “…does your preferred good deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money? If not, how good a deed is it really?” I do not agree with the EAs in this aspect. I think that any good deed, no matter how small, is good enough as long as you tried. Southan questions this idea if art is actually a waste of time throughout this piece, and, in the end, decides what he will do with his newly enlightened views. I will always be a supporter of the arts. I believe that it creates happiness and it allows those who view it to perceive it in any light that they want to. 

In the last paragraph of this text, Southan makes his final decision about whether or not to continue art. For instance, he states, “For now, that will have to be my justification. I’m not ready to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to give up writing. I’m not ready to take up some high-paid job that I’d hate in order to reduce the world’s suffering. Maybe that will change. For now, call me Net-Positive Man.” Southan believes that one should not give up on your dream or passion. Even though art does not have a direct benefit to help others like donating money does, I believe that it gives emotional happiness to those who have that talent or those who find comfort from it. I completely agree with Southan’s plan on sticking to what you love to do. Nonetheless, doing what you love in life makes everything worth-while and overall makes it more enjoyable. 

These two paragraphs I chose from my paper seemed a little unfocused. I never really brought up my own voice. It just seemed to get lost throughout the essay. In both paragraphs, I decided to included my opinion clearly. Including my own voice helped support and develop my main point. (Section W-4b in The Little Seagull Handbook). Instead of making general statements, I added my voice to it.

I also revised these two paragraphs by fixing words that I overused, such as art, in order to make it flow better. In the second paragraph, I used the word “art” three times in one sentence. I did not catch that until I read it a few times. I also included some transition words to help the flow of my paragraphs. For example, I added “for instance” and “nonetheless”.  (Section W-4c in The Little Seagull Handbook).

Overall, I think that these changes allowed my argument to be focused and clear, and helped the flow of the paragraphs.